I feel like I’m not “here” right now. Does that make remotely any sense? I’m currently at my internship, but I’m so unaware of my surroundings and obsessed with my e-mails and my job applications that I forgot where I was. After about an hour of listening to music–headphones on–I decide to look up and, voila! Magazines, random novelty toys, and beauty products surround me. I am at my internship…not my bed, not my local coffee shop, not anywhere else.
I feel a little lost I guess. I’ve come to New York to begin this life, but I’ve begun an entirely different life then I had planned, and now the original life that I’m still trying to achieve has little time to become realized. Again I ask you: Does that make remotely any sense?
After speaking to a friend online earlier today, I began thinking about even more uncertain things than I had been before. This is not necessarily a bad or worrisome thing. Thinking is good. Thinking about what will happen to me next week versus this week. There is something congruently pleasant and totally sad about me hoping that perhaps next week my life will be completely different from my life this week. This week I am an unpaid intern with a bachelor’s degree who waitresses at a pizza place. Who knows what I may be next week! Most likely though…I will still be an unpaid intern with a bachelor’s degree who waitresses at a pizza place. And you know what? Maybe I should just start to accept that this is life for a while and be able to be happy with the status quo.
Some obsessive compulsive part of me is telling me that that kind of thinking would be wrong. If you’re unhappy with your situation, you change it. But never being happy with any situation is also a recipe for disaster. So where do you draw the line between being a motivated, self-starter and just always wanting more? Is it good to always want more? And perhaps the real balance to aim for is where you still always want more but can still be happy with what you have?
I’m sorry if I’ve made you think too much. But this is what goes on in my head ALL DAMN DAY. Yea, I know. One day when I’ve figured it all out, I’m going to write a self-help book; and you’re all going to buy it and read it from cover to cover. You’re going to be amazed at my “living life-skills.” Just you wait.